i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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