Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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