Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Randomize
