Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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