well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
