she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
