Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
