I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
