I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
