You're my little dorito
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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