I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
