saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
