You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
and i looked up. we had an audience...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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