I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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