somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
