the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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