I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
