your parents love me but you hate me
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
