i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
