Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
