I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
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Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
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By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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