life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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