Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
