he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
