Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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