I need to stop coming to work sober
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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