two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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