it's too hot outside to masturbate.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit