Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.