Texts From Last Night

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  (281): View more from Texas

  Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

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  (281): Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle. http://tfl.nu/lbmt
  Replies (43) Good night (6511) Bad night (1042)
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  (305): View more from Florida

  nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs

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  (305): nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs http://tfl.nu/o6hz
  Replies (27) Good night (5336) Bad night (803)
• Favorite

  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  the snow is so cold on my vagina.

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  why do you have snow on your vagina?

  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  vodka and heels.

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  (580): the snow is so cold on my vagina. (405): why do you have snow on your vagina? (580): vodka and heels. http://tfl.nu/uvnf
  Replies (45) Good night (6350) Bad night (1461)
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.

  (334): View more from Alabama

  i do.

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  (256): from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot. (334): i do. http://tfl.nu/nohm
  Replies (14) Good night (5566) Bad night (1219)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.

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  (206): Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower. http://tfl.nu/5wes
  Replies (6) Good night (1740) Bad night (919)
• Favorite

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.

  (1-479): View more from Arkansas

  That's practically a relationship for you

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  (479): Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week. (1-479): That's practically a relationship for you http://tfl.nu/hhkc
  Replies (26) Good night (2025) Bad night (1058)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks

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  (214): He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks http://tfl.nu/xm8f
  Replies (6) Good night (1204) Bad night (692)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.

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  (817): I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool. http://tfl.nu/j2os
  Replies (7) Good night (436) Bad night (1209)
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink

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  (717): Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink http://tfl.nu/xefq
  Replies (4) Good night (530) Bad night (607)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration

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  (610): You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration http://tfl.nu/k4dg
  Replies (2) Good night (809) Bad night (439)
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.

  (647): View more from Ontario

  Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.

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  (416): okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food. (647): Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40. http://tfl.nu/dr99
  Replies (6) Good night (970) Bad night (581)
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...

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  (703): I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1... http://tfl.nu/7tjh
  Replies (2) Good night (1242) Bad night (403)
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.

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  (512): But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation. http://tfl.nu/31qq
  Replies (3) Good night (492) Bad night (273)
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?

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  (513): So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night. (1-513): Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though? http://tfl.nu/ren0
  Replies (2) Good night (620) Bad night (373)
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"

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  (416): I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!" http://tfl.nu/406w
  Replies (3) Good night (659) Bad night (300)

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