Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
These 19 People Are Into The Grossest Sex Fetishes
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
People Weigh In On Whether It’s Okay to Bang Your Roommate
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.