i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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