when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
