How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
