The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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