One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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