I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
