I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
