Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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