you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
