I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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