booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
