I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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