I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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