I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
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I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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