did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
