I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
This toilet bowl is my home.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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