Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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