I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
your like the ambassador to my penis.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
