what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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