Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
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