Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
