all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
