Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
