my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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