And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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