do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
