Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
