Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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