I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
