rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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