I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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