Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
