If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
