I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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