I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
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he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
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Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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