if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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